Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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