Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
