Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
