90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
