im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
