I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
