Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
