Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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