and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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