I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
