dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
