don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I will be naked everywhere
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
