I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
