I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
