Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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