I didn't shave. On purpose
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
