True but thats because hes a fetus.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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