Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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