Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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