in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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