This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
