I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
