Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
