I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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