Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
