OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
This gyro tastes like lonliness
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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