She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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