i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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