There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
