I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
This is the high leading the old right now
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
