I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
