Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
