im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
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