i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
