Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
