yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
