I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
