So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
