I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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