so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
