So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
