I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I lost the right to judge tonight
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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