I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I wish my penis had an off switch
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
