Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
