i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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