I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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