just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
