I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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