Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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