Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Congratulations! We have a period
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
