I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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