My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
