Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
