My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
