Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
