For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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