I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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