time to smoke my breakfast
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
