Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
