I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
