shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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