My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
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