so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
