I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
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