My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
