Define "chronic" masturbator.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
