They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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