You made me cry and you don't even care
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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