Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
