To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
